IN THE NEWS.

    In the news, the Christmas police are out in full force. Today they raided radio stations around the country and charged them with playing Christmas music after Christmas. They stated that they just can't let such disregard for the law go on, next thing you know they'll be playing it in July which would be totally unacceptable.The punishment is public spanking with holly branches.

    They also want to remind home owners to be sure their Christmas decorations are down by January 3rd. They stated they'll be cruising neighborhoods to enforce the Christmas decorations curfew. The punishment for violation the decoration law is standing in a return line at Wall Mart for hours only to be told they can't help you with out a receipt.

   In other news, President Bush admitted today that when he was 12 years old he broke the window of his neighbors house and he is taking full responsibility. His approval rating in the polls went up 5 point.

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WHY IS IT THAT???

   Why is it that, when President Bush admits he took us to war on bad information, nobody cares, in fact his popularity goes up.Maybe he should admit to all his other mistakes, if that's what they were, and take responsibility for them, he could be the most popular president we've ever had.

    Why is it that,people got upset about some stores replacing  the word Christmas with Holiday Season, when every Christmas present they bought was made in communist China who is replacing American jobs with slave labor and nobody cares.

     Why is it that, every war needs a hero like SGT Paul R Smith but a week after his son accepts his Medal of Honor for him, nobody can remember his name. I bet you don't know who he is. Look up Medal of Honor on your computer and find out. I'll give you a hint, look under April 2005. but you can check out some of the other hero's while you're there.

    Why is it that, parents would never let their 12 year old kid watch pornography but they let then buy music CD's that would make a sailor blush and gangster rap that promotes violence, some music video's on TV are one step short of porn, take a look or a listen, if you care about what your kid's are doing.

   Why is it that, when the price of gas went up to $3.00 a gallon, people were still going 80mph down the high way while complaining about the price and the auto makers are still pushing their big, high powered ,car that get low gas millage, and people are still buying them even though the price of gas can only go up

   There's a lot of Why is it that's but I guess the answer is that people can adapt to just about anything and things that once was unacceptable if repeated enough become normal after a while. What is normal anyways?

 

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Twas the night before Christmas

   Well it's Christmas eve and if you have any money left your one of the lucky one. I guess by now all the kids should be in be so it's time to get to work wrapping presents and putting toys together, don't even think about sleep, they'll be up in a few hours tearing the paper off all those gifts you just got done wrapping.                   

    By now you just figured out you shouldn't of had that last drink but hang on you can do it, after all who bought all that stuff, maybe a cup of coffee will help or maybe a walk around the house, get some nice cold air, that should help.

    Ok your ready to go. Your wife can wrap while you put the toys together, Honey where's my tools? They're in the draw where you keep them. Dear, have you seen the tape? Look in the closet in the kitchen.

    Now we're ready to go. Direction, who needs directions? It's easy, a 10 year old can put this together, it say right hear on the box. Dear have you seen the scissors? Look in the tool draw.

    Hey this ones almost together, Where does this thing go? Maybe it'll work without it.

    Ok, it's 4am and your finally done, next year we'll do this before Christmas. Lets get some sleep, Ah, that feels good. Oh no, did you hear that? It sounds like the kids are up, Hey go back to bed till the sun come up. Ok, Ok, we're up . Don't open anything till everyone there.

    Now this is nice, All the smiles, kids screaming with joy, kind of makes it all worth while. Can't wait till next year so you can do it all again.

   Hey, Dad this doesn't work. I think there's a part missing.We'll fix it later. 

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In the news

  In the news, traffic on Route 95 is backed up from Providence R.I. to Bangor Maine. It seems that a convoy of 10,000 trucks loaded with coal heading for Washington D.C. from the north pole has stopped for some Hot Wieners and Coffee Milk in Onleyville just outside of Providence.

   A spokesperson for the Elves stated that they haven't eaten since they crossed the Canadian boarder ,saving their appetites for the Wieners, which they only get once a year on their annual trip to D.C. He stated that the politicians were extra bad this year and that the reason there are so many trucks, usually they can make the trip with about 25 trucks without any trouble but George, Dick and Donald have been real bad this year.

    In other news, the Transit workers in New York City said they are going back to work tomorrow. Buses and train may be a little late since the drivers have to walk to work 

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In the news.Spending cuts, Elves claim Santa's union busting.

    In the news, the spending bill was passed that cuts most social spending from student aid programs to Medicare but doesn't touch the tax breaks for the rich.  According to President Bush it will do three things, one, it cut spending on social program that only help the poor, two, it will force poor people to do jobs that only illegal immigrants will do now and three, it will force college students to join the military to pay for college. He also stated that not touching the tax cuts for the rich will help create job for the poor because the rich will have to hire people to clean their huge houses, cut their grass , clean their swimming pools and wash their Cadillac's. These are good jobs that pay well, most more than the minimum wage.

    In other news, Santa reported that he intends to lay off his elves after Christmas and subcontract his toy making to a company in China who can make them for a fraction of the cost of elf made toys.He blame his decision on the cost of health benefits, workers compensation insurance and the high cost of energy.

    A spokesperson for the elves union stated that this is just a union busting tactic and they won't stand for it and the reindeer union stated they will surport the elves and they won't deliver toys are not made by elves.  

  

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ANNUAL TRIP TO THE MALL.

    Well today I took my annual trip to the mall to get my lovely wife a gift. This year the waether was terrible, the rain on the high way was unbeleivable but it didn't stop people from going 80 mph and of corse there are those that don't know how to come on the high way, you know, your doing 60 in the right lane, mindig your own business and every one's passing you like your standing still and this guy comes down the entrance ramp doing 35 an enters your lane and you have no where to go because the other morons are passing on you at about 80 mph. Yea, my first swear words of the trip just happened to pop out. Two of the big ones and a couple of the little ones.

  Anyways, I get to the mall and find a spot pretty close to the door so I only got a little soaked getting inside. Hey, there's not that many people, must be the weather.Oh well, lets hit the food court first. Hey Toco Bell. I'll get my toco's. Ok, there's an empty table. Let do some people watching. There's a guy with his daughter, nice. There's a lady over there with her son who's been talking on her cell phone since I sat down, not paying any attention to him. She's don't know what she's missing, She could be making good memories to look back on, oh well.

  Lets go shopping. This year I'm going to just walk around and wait for something to reach out and grab me, Hey buy me. Ok here we go . Look at the stuff these people buy, Hey lady, who would wear that? She must be buying that for her mother in law who returns everything  she gives her.Well as long as she has something to open, it's the thought that counts.

   Over there theres a guy holding up a sexy night gown, Yea, he can see her (or him) in it now, just can't wait.It might be a gift for her(or him) but we really know who it's for. Let me try that, Oh, yea. better go before I get in trouble.

   God, I've been walking around this place for 2 hours and nothing looks good, I might have to resort to plan B.  HOLD IT,. there it is, perfect. No, lets go back to the sexy night gown, something for her and me.

   Great, I'm out of here, I can hit some other stores next week and finish but at least I got something we'll both like. 

    Well, I'm out of here, see you next year, MERRY CHRISTMAS

    Oh don't tell Joann she's getting a sexy night gowm 

 

 

  

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In the news, Bush making great strides, Santa's chian reaction.

    In the news,President Bush secretly entered a rehabilitation program from people that can't admit the make mistakes. Yesterday he took his first big step, he admitted that he went to war in Iraq on faulty information and he takes full responsibility for the war but stopped short of admitting he made a mistake.

  His councilor, Dr Who Me?,stated that the president has made great progress in the last 5 year and is expected to over come his problem within the next 3 year.

   In other news, Santa took his sleigh out for a test ride last night and had a slight problem when he had to make an emergency stop and the reindeer had a rear end chain reaction. A spokesperson for Santa stated that it took 3 hours to get the reindeer apart. He stated the it gave a new meaning to the to the term up to you ear in do do.

   Santa stated there were smiles all around and he plan to get those anti lock break fixed before Christmas Eve.

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POOPSI

   In the news, the makers of Ex Lax and Pepsi Cola have teamed up to come out with a new laxative called Poopsi  Colon Cleaner,  guaranteed to move even the biggest clog. The product was tested on Harvey Tightass who has made medical history by not having a B.M. 6 months after eating a bag of cement on a five dollar bet.

   Mr Tightass reported that after one glass of Poopsi things started working real fast. Almost too fast. On the way to the men's room he knocked over a Nun, two old guys with canes and a baby carriage but once there all went well except the toilet was blown apart by chunks of flying concrete.

  The Poopsi spokesperson stated that Mr Tightass will be featured on the commericals to be aired in December and as a special introductory offer a free pair of counterfict Nike running shoes with each bottle to be worn for those quick trips to the bathroom.

    In other news, President Bush anounced to day his plan to ease the cost of heating oil. He stated that he plan to introduce a bill to the house next week which will cut the use of heating oil in half. He stated that his bill will rearrange the calender so the coldest month will come in the summer when it's warm and the cost of oil is low and some warm months will come in the winter when the cost of oil is high.

      If the President get his way Christmas next year could come in July.

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In the news

    In the news, the communist government of China announced today that it can no longer allow its people to manufacture Nativity Sets or other religious merchandise for Wall Mart because it citizens are not allowed to practice religion in their country and some workers have been sneaking religious merchandise out of the factories and taking them home.

    A spokesperson for the Chinese government denied that the jails were full of workers who were caught with religious articles in their possession but video's smuggled out of China show the Chinese army kicking down doors and removing the occupants and the religious articles.

    A spokesperson Wall Mart stated that they have not received any reports of any workers being arrested but they plan to move their religious manufacturing plant to Mexico in the near future.  

    In other news, GOOD NEWS for the north pole, Rudolf's Cataract operation was a success. Doctor I C Now, stated every thing went fine and Rudolf should wear sun glasses for a few days to protect his eyes but should have no problem on Christmas eve.

    Santa stated that while Rudolf was having his eyes done he went ahead and had a halogen implant put in his nose which should brighten up even the darkest night.

  

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In the news,Prisoner abuse , Rudolf's eye problem

    In the news, the ACLU reported that prisoners captured in Iraq have been subjected to cruel and inhumane treatment. They were forced to listen to Christmas music 24 hours a day since thanksgiving and have been forced to watch TV commercials advertising Christmas toys and video games after which they were herded to an undisclosed Wall Mart to stand in line for hours only to be told that the store was out of the toys they wanted.

     Mr Rumsfeld denied that any of our interrogators would use such cruel treatment to get information from any prisioner, no matter important the information  was. He said that no human being should be subjected to such cruel treatment.

    In other news, Rudolf The Red Nose Reindeer has developed cataracts from looking at the bright light of his nose and may be unable to guide Santa's sleigh this Christmas. It has been reported that he will undergo surgery to remove the cataracts tomorrow and if all goes well he should be ok for Christmas Eve, keep your fingers crossed and pray it will be clear for Santa's trip.

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Why is it??

Why is it that every year they start with the Christmas hipe  earlier every year. First you see Christmas decoration at K Mart, Target and Wall Mart, artificial trees and orniments on sale..Hell their selling winter coats in July but they really get going around the end of October, you kmow with the toys and video games, get the kids going to make sure Mom and Dad know what they want, usually some product that been advertised as the best thing since ice cream and all the kids will have them, only they only produced half of what the demand will call for. Now parent have to go crazy to get one, remenber Cabage Patch Dolls and Tickle Me Elmo, and some parent will get up at 5am stand in line with thousands of other parent and pay any price to get one, because god forbid little Jimmy will have to wait a few days to get his video game. You know, after Christmas, around Febuary, the stores won't be able to give the damn things away and little Jimmy has already gotten tired of his and hasn't play with it in weeks..

       After Thanksgiving the real push begins, thats right, Christmas misic. One airing of Holly Jolly Christmas and the money burns holes in your pcokets. Some radio channels play nothing but Christmas music, 24 hours a day. Give me a break. How many times can you listen to White Christmas even if it's somg by every dead celiberity that was popular in the 40's and 50's,but have no fear, on December 26th there won't be a Christmas song to be heard on any channel, like it never existed.

     Yea, Christmas isn't what it used to be. It;s become a day that our ecconomy depends on, a day that could make or break some businesses. The days of Main street, window fronts decorated with orniments and toys like train sets and dolls. A time when things move slowly and Christmas shopping was a time to go down town and meet your nieghbors, exchange holiday greeting and to find that very special gift.Today gifts are usually bought because it's required, Who knows Uncle Harry might show up with a gift so you need one for him just in case, better keep a half dozen cans of cookies on hand for those gift emergencies.As for holiday greetings and things moving slow, today its 80mph down the high way, hey you took my parking place and the holiday greeting can usually be given with one finger.

      I guess Christmas has changed with the times and we made it what it is but it's still a time for famillies to get together. You know like Uncle Harry who only shows up once a year at Christmas because Aunt Clara makes him go, usually with a can of cookies in his hand but what the hell the cookies are good and it;s the thought that counts, right? Sure it is. Besides it;s a day out of work. I could go into Midnight mass but thats another story. Well MERRY CHRISTMAS, by the way what kind of cookies do you like, I may show up on your door step, forget the gift just hand me a Gin and Tonic when I come thru the door and don't forget the lime.

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   In the news, Donald Rumsfeld has revealed to the American people another piece of misimformation. At a news conference he revealed that the name Insergents is the wrong name for the people attacking our troops in Iraq. He stated that it hit him sudenly that we've been useing the wrong name all along. He also stated that he didn't know the correct name but that he will look it up and come up with the correct term when he find his War for Dummy's book.  

   The vice president responded, no wonder we're in such a mess, we've been fighting the wrong people, when Mr Rumsfeld finds out who they are we will be able to consentrate on the correct people and end this war.

   Commanders in the feild tell me we can end this thing in ninety day and bring our troops home once we know who these Bastards really are.  

 

   In other news, Maine Fish and Game authorities have reported that a confused moose has mated with a poose and they now have Moose Pooses blocking trafic on Main street in Bangor. One officer identified as Way Outback stated that they are the weirdes looking creatures he has ever seen and described them as being 2 feet tall with wings and webbed feet curly tails and antlers.The rear of the animal has feathers and the front has fir and it's naked in the middle.

   SGT. Outback said they plan to herd the animals into a truck and take them to Arcadia park to be released into the wild.

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