In the news

      In the news, President Bush has been nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actor and Vice president Channey has been nominated for best supporting actor and The State of the Union address has been nominated for best comedy of the year award.

     The President was nominated for putting out the biggest load of crap in one speech since Bill Clinton said ,I did not have sex with that woman, with a straight face.

     Mr Channey was nominated for putting his hand up Georges butt and moving his mouth for five years. Mr Channey stated, It's a tough job but someone has to do it.

    

     In other news, The NASA has been secretly collecting used bubble gum and storing it. A spokesperson for NASA stated that in late March they plan to launch a missile loaded with the used bubble gum which will explode just outside the Ozone Layer in an attempt to plug the hole.

     The spokesperson stated that they have collected about a million pounds of ABC(ALL READY BEEN CHEWED) gum from under School desks, lunch counters and bottoms of shoes all over the country but stated if you wish to donate mail it to

                                      PLUG OUR HOLE

                                      YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK, FLORIDA. USA.

      All donation will be great fully accepted.   

     

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In the news, phone survailence nabs Laura and Ted

    In the news, there's trouble in the white house. Yes, during the secret survailence of telephone conversations of the American people Mr Bush has found out that Laura Bush is having an affair with Ted Kennedy. It seems when George leaves town Laura and Ted have been doing the hooky pooky in the Lincoln bedroom in the white house. A spokesperson for the president stated that Mr Bush is quite upset with Laura,not because of the affair but because it's with a democrat.  

  According to our sources, when the president left town telephone calls to Ted Kennedy's office under the code name LOVEBUG, were recorded and a short time later Senator Kennedy could be seen entering the White House thru the rear door.

  Senator Kennedys spokesperson states that his relationship with Laura is purely one of friendship. He says Laura has trouble sleeping alone so when the President leaves town he go to the White House so Laura won't have to sleep alone. He says there is no Hokey Pokey going on anywhere in the White House any where any time, Trust me.I did not have sex with that women. 

   

  

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In the news.

   In the new, a top secret satellite that was launched forty years ago has sent back pictures of what appears to be a face of a child looking back at the satellite. In the back ground is what looks like a child's bed room.

   A spokesperson for NASA has stated that he can not explain it but it seem that our universe is located in a glass bowl on a child's bureau. he stated that NASA was getting a satellite ready to make a return trip to verify the pictures. The trip should only take ten year.

  In other news, the Rhode Island State Police has announced that they will no longer be patrolling Rhode Island highways. A spokesperson for the state police stated that the highways are just to dangerous. Nobody obeys the speed limits and people drive like A@#$%&#. He stated  according to union rules, under health and safety, officers do not have to work under unsafe conditions so unless R.I. drivers show some comon sense they're on their own.

     

    

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Iran's high noon moon

    You got to hand it to Iran giving the whole world a High Noon Moon over it's nuclear program.They are becomming the super power of the middle east. They control one quarter of the world oil so who going to mess with them? Good old George has us tied up in Iraq and you know no one listens to the U.N. Maybe we should just give every country that wants one a nuclear bomb and hope they don't use it. Oil is the wepon of choice today any ways.Iran is proving that but what do you do if they have both?

     Today on the news was reported the Iran move its money from the european bank to protect itself if sanctions are put on and the price of oil went up to almost seventy dollars a barrel and our stock market dropped over two hundred points. 

     It seems the only way to stop their nuclear program is to go after the people selling them the technology.Maybe that's the answer to all the terrorism, find out where the wepons are comming from and go after them. Did you ever see some guy in Somalia with no shoes and raggy clothes, skinny as a rail, blasting off hundreds of rounds of ammunition from a thousad dollar rifle and wonder where he got it?Who sold it to the guy that gave it to him? Why don't they go after the dealer, BIG BUCKS.

   All these countries condem terrorism in public but in the back rooms they're counting their money laughing all the way to the bank on blood money.

        

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     In the news, The Mall of America was choosen as the location of the Mall Walkers Senior Olympics this year. Seniors will be competing at malls all over the country to qualify to compete in the Senior Olympics. This year events will include Toddlers jumping, 100 yard dash to the rest room and the obsticle course, in which contestants will have to weave thru a crowd of shoppers to get to the sale at CVS Drug Store, bumping into a shopper will result in point reduction, making a shopper drop their bags will result in diqualification. A new event this year will be the baby carriage hurdle in which contestants will have to complete a 10 lap race around the mall during which a baby carriage could be pushed in front of them at any time. The contestant much hurdle over the carriage with out swearing at the carriage pusher.

    To qualify check with the management of your local mall to get the date of qualifying events. Be sure to bring a letter from you doctor verifying physical fittness.

    In other news, A Moose Poose has escaped from Arcadia park in Maine and has been spoted in Crawford Texas where it has been seen courting a texas long horn steer. Fish and Game officials report that the steer does not seem interested at this time but the Moose Poose keeps trying. Jed Deeppockets, the fish and game official said it's the damnest thing he ever saw. The Moose Poose get up on its back legs and it wiggles its butt and its currly tail straightens out and it makes a sound kind of like a combination of a pig and a goose, I guess you'd call it a hoink.He said we'll give it a couple of day while we decide what to do with it..  

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Getting old, not so bad

      I've come to the conclusion that getting old is not all that bad. There are all kinds of benefits like senior discounts on every thing from coffee to movie tickets. We even have our own menu at some restaurants.

      You can also get away with things that younger people can't, farting in public is a good one. People just look and smile. I think they kind of expect its from old people but they don't realize old people do it for fun because they can get away with it and they think it's funny, I'm not that old yet, people just look and shake their heads in disgust now but I'll get there someday, can't wait. 

       You can also give good advise and the older and more senile you get the better younger people like it, I think they call it wisdom when you get old. Hell yea kid, go ahead and marry her, sounds like love to me besides she has a nice butt and her old man is loaded.

       You can also drive people crazy with your driving like sitting at the light after it turns green till it's just about ready to turn red and then leaving the others to wait for another red light. Boy, you can hear those horns blowing for miles. Drifting over to the other lane when someones trying to pass you is an other good one. You can really get them going with that one, hey you old #**$%%%, get off the road, followed by the old one finger salute. Cool!!

      Yea, getting old can be fun but one real benefit is when you 75 all the women look good. You know when your 20 your range is probably 17 to 35 when your 40 it's from 18 to 50 but when your 75 hell, a pulse is all that's required. Every one looks good, you just forgot what to do with them but you can still look, maybe something will pop up and you'll remember. 

      Well I'm not quite there yet but when I do you'll know me. I'll be the old guy you smell in the super market. I could be the guy in front of you on the way to work, on the morning you can't be late again or your fired, going 25 mph in the middle of the road so you can't pass me but hell you'll get old someday and it'll be your turn. Have fun.

       

         

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In the news, Mother Nature and PMS.

      In the news, Mother nature is on a rampage across the United States. There is flooding in California, fires in Oklahoma and Texas and rain and snow up and down the east coast. The reason seems to be PMS, yes, Mother Nature has PMS, post mistletoe syndrone, and is taking it out on the U.S.

     Father Time stated that there's no living with her when she in this state of mind but he says it only last a week or so and she'll be back to her old self.

    It seems every year just after Cristmas she has mistletoe withdrawral and gets out of control. Dr Whats Yourproblem stated it's comon among women over 1000 years old. The only thing that seems to help is a night of wild sex but Father Time says he's not quite up to it since he ran out of Viagra but he has a call into the Pharmisist for a new supply.

    In other news, President Bush's New Years resolutions include not taking every thing he's told as trueand asking more questions before going to war.  

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