Monday, February 26, 2007

In the news, Rumers around D.C.

         In the news, According to a reliable source Vice president Cheney, despite the rumors circulating around Washington, really does have a neck. Our source stated that it can't always be seen because he has really high shoulders from shrugging his shoulders in school when asked questions to which he had no answer.
        When asked the vice president laughed and stated that at one point he went to the draft board claiming he had no neck and should not be drafted which got him his 3rd deferment.
       In other news, finally snow has come to Rhode Island and there is not a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk on a shelf anywhere. According to a spokesperson for Stop and Shop, an unidentified shopper bought all the bread and milk and is auctioning it off on E Bay.


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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Tiny weeny

      OK, who's spreading the rumor that I have a tinny weeny, Everyday I get at least 6   Emails imforming me how I can increase the size of my weener. How did they find that out? Has my wife been talking or is someone spreading rumors? The other day I got an Email from TWA. Hell I thought I won a free trip.It turns out that it was Tinny Weeny Anonimous  asking me to join.  
     Who are these people who are so worried about my weener that they E mail me everyday to sell me pills, creams and other weird stuff to make me more well endowed? Who buys this crap? Maybe I should start a businesss selling instructions on how to use what you got..
      What happens if you mess up and use too much and it gets too big, do they have something to make it smaller? Is your Weener too big? Do you have to buy your condoms at the big and long store? Then today is your lucky day, now from the makers of Viagra comes Shrinkeze, loose those unwanted inches fast.
      I apreciate the fact that so many people are worried about my weener but it works just fine and like they say, if it aint broke don't fix it. I think I'll just leave it the way it is.After 59 years I'm kind of used to it.


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Saturday, February 10, 2007

In the news, Big brother is watching and Donald spotted.

       In the news, according to our reliable source big brother's been watching unsuspecting motorist on our nation's highways. That's right, for the last 6 years the president's surveillance program has been placing camera's in those little birds you see sitting on wires, in trees, anywhere that they can get a clear view of the highways.
       Our source stated that it was revealed when a motorist driving down route 295 in Rhode Island hit what he thought was a bird but when he arrived home found what appeared to be a sparrow with a tinny camera in a little helmet strapped to the birds head, stuck in the grill of his truck. He called the state police immediately who sent an officer to retrieve the bird and said they would investigate the matter but when the unidentified motorist called a week later the state police denied any knowledge of the incident.
        When asked the spokes person for the surveillance program speaking off the record stated that the birds were place along the highways to follow the movements of suspected terrorist and that they were not there to spy on ordinary citizens.
        In other news, the question of where is Donald Rumsfeld has been answered. Donald was spotted Tuesday hidding in the janitors closet a the Pentagon. According to the security spokesperson at the pentagon Mr Rumsfeld has refused to leave the building and has been seen roaming the hallway of the pentagon after everyone goes home, sometimes leaving notes on Mr Gate's desk advising him on how the win the war in Iraq.  
      


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Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Brrrr, it's cold

        Well old man winter has arrived. How does it go? It's so cold it could freeze the balls of a brass monkey. It's so cold I saw a chicken with a capon. It's so cold I saw a snow man with his hands in his pockets. No matter how you put it it's frikin cold, but you'd think we'd be used to it by now. I mean every year you know we get the deep freeze from January to the middle of February. The good thing is it's too cold to snow.
       Why is it that every year people start in October trying to figure out what kind of winter we're going to have. Yea, I think we're going to have a real cold winter, there a lot of acorns, Yea, my Grand mother used to say, if you have a dry summer you're going to have a wet winter, the polar bear at Roger William's park has an extra heavy coat this year, it's going to be cold this winter. Everyone has their own way of telling what kind of winter it will be but when it come down to it even the weather man can't tell till it comes.
      When I was a kid, many years ago, we loved the cold weather because that meant the ponds would freeze over and we could play hockey or just skate around. The kids today don't know what they're missing. There was something about getting dressed in long underwear, pants, sweat shirt, heavy coat, hat, mittens, scarf. two pairs of socks, boots and hiking a mile to Slater Park with your skates and hockey stick on your shoulder stopping at your friends houses along the way. Hey Mrs Smith, can Joey go skating? This usually took a while because he had to get dressed in long under wear and all the rest, then it was off to Dave's house. Finally we'd get to the park and sit down at the edge of the pond and put on our skates, which wasn't easy with all those clothes on but it was worth all the trouble. Gliding across the ice, opps, look out for the crack, damn stick. hey look out, I can't stop. Yea, it was great. When it started getting dark it was time to go home so you sit at the edge of the pond to get the skates off, this was harder than putting them on because now they were covered with ice and your fingers were wet and cold, then for the march home , dropping off Dave, Joey and who ever else we picked up along the way. See ya tomorrow Joey. Can't wait to get home cause Mom would meet you at the door to help you  get out of those wet clothes and she usually had some nice hot chocolate waiting. That might have been the best part. 
      


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Sunday, February 04, 2007

NEW FROM CRACKO PRODUCTS

      Are you a guy who can't watch TV without have the remote in your hand so you can change channels every time a commercial comes on? Do you change channels just to aggravate your wife? Then this is your lucky day. The makers of Cracko Products will be making available the amazing new Turbo Remote for just $19.99. This is a mans remote. It is shaped like a beer bottle and has an auto channel changer button, that's right, you can program it to automatically change channels, from once a minute to once an hour and if that's not enough it has a timer optional feature so you can program it to change channels automatically when your not even there, that'll really drive you wife crazy.
       If you order today we'll send you a second remote for the bed room absolutely free. That's two Turbo Remotes for just $19.99. This offer is for a limited time only so call to order today.To order call 1 800 CRACKO 
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