IN THE NEWS.s

        In the news, according to our reliable source the president will be hospitalized over the holidays to have Dick Chaney's hand removed from his butt. Our source stated that the procedure is needed to reverse a procedure that was done 8 years ago prior to president Bush's inauguration. It seems the vice presidents hand was placed in Mr Bushes butt so the vice president could move the presidents mouth so he wouldn't say anything stupid.

        When asked the vice president stated that it will be nice to get his hand back so he can wipe his own butt again, a job that was reserved for Mr Bush. He appreciated Mr Bush's assistance in this matter and says he did a great job. 

      In other news, Santa stated at a news conference today that he will be retiring his reindeer's after his trip this year. He stated in an effort to help General Motors he will be using G.M.'s new $40,000 electric sleigh.